Part of letter to Cathie from Ford Killen

Part of letter to Cathie from Ford Killen

Complains about lack of letters from her. Mentions his recent 30-day leave. Writes considerable passage about her views on their faltering relationship. Continues with detailed description of his activities and more philosophy about relationships. Releases her from any promises she made to him.

1947-09-12

Two-page typewritten letter

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EKillenFReidKM470912-Part

Mitchel Field, NY

September 12, 1947

Dearest Cathie:

I can’t say that I wasn’t a little disappointed when I returned to the base and found that no mail had come from you …. I have another terrific headache now; they’ve been recurring for the past year, but now have they only begun to occur every day nearly.

They sent me one letter -- the one in which you enclosed the forms, but I couldn’t send them back until I returned, because of the signatures I must get.

Yes, I have been on a 30 day leave -- a miserable, unforgettable leave to the South, where the temperatures [deleted] [indecipherable word] [/deleted] fluctuated between 108 and 112.

Now I’m back here and there is nothing from you -- not even a word. I did receive the birthday present, and liked it very much, but wish you hadn’t spent your money. I know how dear leathergoods are in England, and the price you must have paid for the case.

Please forgive me for sounding hard to get along with, this pain is becoming unbearable and its making me the same way.

I don’t know how to accept your last letter -- the last one I received. There were passages that could be taken many ways … the [deleted] [indecipherable word] [/deleted] one about the WAC for instance … you know … if I met [deleted] a [/deleted] any good looking WAC that I wanted ….. Cathie, was there a note of anticipation in that line …. please be honest with me …. were you hoping that I would say that I no longer cared for you, that you wanted to be freed? Yes, there is a WAC I like … L-I-K-E … a lot. She’s attractive, she has a beautiful mezzo-soprano voice, and a nice personality. We have had some fun together but we have never been out alone …. it has always been a group. We went to the beach, and to the races … always with a gang. We walked barefoot over the sand, bought hot-dogs and drank cans of beer (she drank coca cola). We sang crazy songs and held hands around a blazing fire as we toasted frankfurters. She likes some of the things I like, and she always sings the songs I ask her to sing -- "My Hero” and others that I favor. [sic] LOVE? No. I have a reserved sign placed on my heart. Reserved for a diminutive girl with laughing eyes and a heart of gold. Her initials are Kathleen Myers, the gol-darndest gal that ever pedalled a bicycle at 40 miles an hour (much to the discomfort of her companion who was trying to maintain that pace) up an English hill.

Rose, I have told about you …. in fact you monopolize the conversation when I am with her -- shame on you. Rose is much older and considers herself a mother to me. She is on furlough now … she left just before I returned from mine …. went to Montreal and Detroit. She came to Detroit from Canada in 1935 where she became naturalized and studied voice.

Friday afternoon …..

I feel much better now; lost my headache, and am ready to get down to real business. I still don’t know what is going on around the base, as I only arrived yesterday and so much had happened since I was last here. So many changes in regulations, Saturday inspections …. no more weekend passes and three day passes together, making a total of five days … new base commander has made all the difference in the world. Col. Parker, our last CO, was the best one I have ever known. He never bothered us; was easy-going and as long as you did your job efficiently

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he didn’t care what you did in your time off …..

Wednesday evening … Sept. 17 ….

Again I say … Dearest Cathie …

I have just come from seeing the picture “The Yearling” …. Remember I think I gave you the book … it’s the story of some hopeless farmers in the Florida everglades …. how the entire bottom of life seemed to drop out for this small family which pitted its every effort against Nature, and the destructive young yearling …. the deer which was the boy’s playmate. Right now I feel lower than that poor woman who saw everything had been destroyed.

What good is it to hope? I have always lost everything I loved -- almost. Now I find that through politics, the brass is going to take The Beacon away from me; … it is going to be discontinued, just as I had put everything I know how into it … it’s like finding [deleted] a [/deleted] an abandoned, half starved infant at your doorstep …. ill-fed, ill-clothed, crying for attention. You take it in, warm it, feed it, watch it grow, dress it up, so that you are proud of it … you see the little infant that once was near death’s door grow fat, prosper … You show it off, and all the people make a fuss over it, because you have certainly done miracles with it.

But within your heart, though you love it with all your life, you know that it will get bigger and bigger; that it can not [deleted] [indecipherable word] [/deleted] remain a baby forever …. you enter it in the baby contest and win a [deleted] [indecipherable word] [/deleted] red ribbon …. that is the happiest day in your life. You can say “I did this,” “I brought this about”. And you can look back and say “Remember when?.....”

Then a total stranger … someone to whom the child is but an urchin … someone [deleted] [indecipherable word] [/deleted] who has never had a child …. comes along and passes a verdict … a verdict contradicting with the opinions of the masses who adore the child, want it around, anticipate it ….. but this man in his own eyes is God … he will do exactly as he desires, without the will of the people …. so he dooms the child to obscurity, locked away in a dark, dank cell forever …. what the crowd says is [deleted] no [/deleted] of no consequence …. because the will of the master must be obeyed …..

I might as well make a clean break …. I might as well lose everything. It looks that this will be the case anyway. Once I think I asked you, how does a man release pent-up emotions? How can he keep going on and on and on, when he hasn’t the heart to do so … Even now the tears sting my eyes, but I’ve got to repress them because that would show signs of weakness …. it just isn’t done … Oh, Cathie, what can I do, where can I turn? Why can’t I have you here to help me?

Here's what I started out to say, and there is no need to prolong it [deleted] [indecipherable word] [/deleted] … Cathie, I want to release you from every promise you have made. It’s not being fair to you and your happiness means more to me than mine. Every time I get money saved, something comes along to blast it right away. I can’t explain to you; I don’t know if you’d understand -- anyway I think this would be the best …. not to make any plans … don’t have any dreams at all … don’t look toward the future … I could go on for pages, trying to explain to you what I mean, but you know just as well as I do. They tell me that I am in love with love ….. maybe I am …. I can’t know, because I don’t know what being in love with love means, and I’m not going to try to find out. Right now I’m all mixed up …. but there is one thing dominant in my mind -- don't ask me why or how or anything … but it’s you …. you and you alone.

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