Letter to Cathie from Ford Killen

Letter to Cathie from Ford Killen

[first page missing] Writes of letter he had just received from her and mentions that he had had some letters he sent to her returned to him. Mentions saving money to pay for her to join him. Writes of work distributing newspapers. Mentions his plans for Christmas. Expresses his love for her. Signs Heathcliff.

Three page typewritten letter

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EKillenFReidKM[Date]-050002, EKillenFReidKM[Date]-050003

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go to a pay station, and the call would take anywhere from four to six hours to get through. I may try it again tomorrow. I’ve got to hear you …. Three minutes would be a very short time to talk to you though. I could talk for three hours or three days and if I know you half as well as I think I do, you could keep up with me.

Another thing I may do is go to Hempstead, make a record, and air mail it to you. [deleted] Iw [/deleted] wish you would record your voice and send me the record. Would you please, please, please …. Those professional, pictures you promised me. Darling, whatever happened to them. If only I had those, it would be some help.

[deleted] 7 [/deleted] LATER …. A COUPLE OF DAYS ….

You adoriable [sic] little idiot …. That [deleted] a [/deleted] is all I can say right now. You blessed, adorable idiot …. I received your letter today containing the pix …. God knows I’ve waited for those …. and the raking across the coals that you gave me. I have no energy to fight back. At least I have heard from you. And that’s something …. I’ve had letters returned from Shepherds Bush, Brentmead Gardens, and even Brentwood gardens (which I sent incorrectly.)

If the letter had come at any other time (it came about 30 minutes ago) I probably would have written a nasty letter that I should have regretted later. I’ll never forget the one time I sent a letter and then was sorry that I did. But when you’ve worked from 8 a.m. to one a.m. the next morning for a week, because you’re all alone on a job; you get no sleep no rest, and besides working and getting out a paper alone – which is no little job and for which other papers the same size have at least 1 dozen personnel -- and then have to stand inspections, and a million other military duties …. and then get yourself reprimanded by a major who, not not [sic] satisfied with your working 13 to 15 hours a day want his whims answered … well honey it leaves very little fight in you ….

If you had received my letters you would know that I am not going home Christmas; that I seldom go out …. trying to get $500 saved, so that I can apply for you to come. I’ve given up everything but work … work …. work. I feel as if I could lie down and sleep for three days. But no – I’ve gotta keep moving; keep going, going, going. I’ll go as long as I can, and then if I lose my reasoning, I’ll at least be free of all this work. Like a whirling dervish …. move, dammit, this way, little tin soldier; that way little tin soldier; back again, a little more forward; repeat it little tin soldier … repeat it repeat REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT, MOVE, DAM YOU MOVE! FASTER, FASTER, DAMN YOU MOVE, MOVE, MOVE ……..

So forgive me darling if I look on your letter a little complacantly. [sic] If I hadn’t been writing to you I could feel more disgust with myself. All I feel is a terrible aching, longing relief that you are safe, and that I have at last heard from you – even if it was to give me a piece of your mind.

I’m typing this letter in my noon hour – I can eat tonight or tomorrow, because immediately after this hour I’ve got to distribute 5,000 newspapers. Darling, you’ve heard of the man -- Dr. Fankenstein [sic] -- was he British, or Polish, or German or what – who invented the monster that eventually destroyed him? I who [deleted] was [/deleted] once had a love for the newspaper business, who am miserable unless I am in this business, seem to have created a monster of my own … an overpowering, all-consuming automatan [sic] not pleased with taking all I’ve got to offer – all I have but wants my very soul …… Sometimes I hate the dight [sic] of newsprint, the smell of fresh ink, the clang, click, clack of dozens of [deleted] as [/deleted] typewriters in a city room; reading proof on galleys, checking forms, reading final proof for mistakes, and checking, and double checking to be sure that every bastard gets his name spelled right; [deleted] th [/deleted] (Shakespear [sic] used that word, in Henry V and others, so why can’t I?) I’ve been so irritable that I must have made many enemies of some of my best friends in these past weeks …. I hope they realize that I am under pressure and am not myself. I find it so easy to pick faults with my next door neighbors [sic] … my buddies … The WAC (one of those who had an opinion about you) isn’t talking to me now … but she is frustrated, and used to come into my office where she imparted freely of her wise advice (so she thought), and now she doesn’t bother me any more, so that is one of the blessings …. If she’d said many more things about the English, and you in particular, I think I’d have choked her ….

It is nearing Christmas season for many …. for me it will be another day. I’m not going home , as I said before, nor am I going to Elmira to accept Mrs. McDougall’s invitation. I may go to New York to see “Medea” or Oklahoma again. I saw Command Decision, recently …. story of a part of the 8th Air Force, it was a [deleted] [indecipherable word] [/deleted] monumental vehicle; a smash hit. This season has been particularly good … about 1 out of every three plays is a hit. The young playwright Tennessee Williams

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whose last smash was The Glass Menagerie, has just offered a new play which will undoubtedly garner the Pulitzer price [sic] and the Drama Circle Critic’s award as the best play of the year …. “A Streetcar Named Desire” … about an erring woman (Southern) who comes on the streetcar Desire to live in New Orleans. I tried to get tickets, but its sold out until next March. Just opened a week ago.

Enough of that. I suppose now that you’re a “Nomad”, traveling all around Devon – I hear that is wonderful country – never was there … I won’t be able to contact you via radio (shortwave) as I explained in the first part of this letter.

As I started to say, there isn’t much Christmas spirit, now will there be because persons like me won’t be able to see their loved ones, either my family or you. In the cafeterias and other places on the base, Christmas songs are being sung, [deleted] Bethallh [/deleted] “Bethlehem”, “Silent Night”, “White Christmas” …. and others. It only makes me remember other days when I was happy at Christmas time, when the world had a brighter outlook.

Darling, Cathie, for once and for all, let me explain that I love you, I love you; I love you; as I said at the beginning, I would have nothing to look forward to nothing to cherish; nothing to hold dear if it weren’t for you. It will take a little more time for me to save enough money to assure your passage …. that is if you want to come. If it were possible don’t you think I would return to England tomorrow to find you. I don’t suppose you receive the letter about the fact that the Army and New York state both disapproving transatlantic marriages; that they frowned upon them and that in other words they weren’t tolerated …… but if we never get together again, my love will never cease.

The photos of you don’t look natural …. you are much nice that that. What did they try to do to your real self -- hide it under a coat of mascara and makeup. But I do want the large ones.

All My love forever & ever

Heathcliff