Letter from Peter Lamprey to W Gunton



Letter from Peter Lamprey to W Gunton


Peter Lamprey rewrites the story of Goldilocks with a Royal Air Force theme.




Temporal Coverage




Envelope and six page handwritten letter


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9 AM
26 Jan

[postage stamp]

Uncle Bill Gunton.
Machine Room
Waterlow and Sons Ltd.
Twyford Abbey Road.
Park Royal. N.W.10.

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[reverse of envelope blank]

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[underlined] 1. [/underlined]

Once upon a time there were three bears. Father Bear - Mummy Bear and Baby Bear. Why in hell all fairy stories start like that I dont [sic] know. Anyrate [sic] - three bears, and what with the old man on night work and the old mum on munitions during the day, it looks like that's all there'll ever be at that. Mind you - don't think this is going to be all about baby bear. He was a hell of a lot too cheeky and a good swift clump was recommended but never applied.

So getting back to our tale. Three Bears. Usual effects, such as; little

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[underlined] 2. [/underlined]

little [sic] house in woods and all the other guff. Well one day a beautiful blonde airman called Goldilocks was having a scrounge in these here woods. The erks called him something else but he had them hanging in the right places and it was no good. Moreover he could roughouse [sic] a bit and it didn’t pay much [deleted] dini [/deleted] dividend. Well Goldilocks was, as I say, keeping his eyes peeled for a nice quiet spot in case he ever got round to a date with a WAAF and you don’t want people treading on you at a time like that. All of a sudden he sees a notice –

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[underlined] 3. [/underlined]

“Private - Keep Out - This Means You” so he went in, and there he found the bears domicile. Nipping craftily round the back he lets himself in and proceeds to have a good old snoop round. Well there it was - like the story book. Three plates of porridge and a bottle of Trubrown [sic] beside the old mans [sic] dish. Having only just had his three course RAF lunch he was naturally starving so he proceeded to scoff the lot. The Bloke that wrote that piffle about “this one was too hot and this one was too cold” never served any time. If its [sic] there – grab it.

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[underlined] 4. [/underlined]

Well so here we are. Goldilocks – full of porridge and wind and nothing to do. Upstairs we go and there’s the old bunks – beds or pits. Yes and you’re right. What with the old puppies aching and a thick night in town last night he thinks he might as well. Good luck to him. Plot develops on normal lines. In comes the old mum - having passed Mr. Bear on the way up - and baby bear. Playing up to the old tradition the kid starts the old nonsense about “who’s been eating my porridge etc [sic]?” But, what with the old back aching and a bit of pain in the noddle, the old lady slips

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[underlined] 5. [/underlined]

him a right hander. Well placed but about five years too late. This nice bit of work stopped his game and in any case you couldn’t get the perisher to touch the stuff normally.

Well here we are again. All set for round two as it were. Goldilocks pounding his ear upstairs and the bear family below. Reading the script to make sure there was no boobing, upstairs go the bears. Junior, word perfect as usual, says his little piece all about “someone’s been sleeping in my bed” and then beats it to play with the other kids. Then it was the turn of Mrs. Bear,

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[underlined] 6. [/underlined]

into the bedroom she goes and on her nice soft bed she spies Goldilocks. With great presence of mind, and in any case the story had got all balled up, she locked the door and well - after all, what with the old man on night work and the kid out of the way for a couple of hours I don’t blame her, at that.

Dear Bill
I am Well.
F [straight line]




Peter Lamprey, “Letter from Peter Lamprey to W Gunton,” IBCC Digital Archive, accessed July 16, 2024, https://ibccdigitalarchive.lincoln.ac.uk/omeka/collections/document/6608.

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