Court of their Majesties Neptunus Wrecks Amphitrite and Rexona



Court of their Majesties Neptunus Wrecks Amphitrite and Rexona


Spoof document about the rules on the ship


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[underlined] COURT DRESS [/underlined]

NOTICE is hereby given on this the clickerty-clicketh day of Seawater in the year of Tribulation that is 777,777.7 rec. in the Marine Calendar the that[?] the Regulations concerning Court Dress as set fifth in the Sub Sections of the law 000.000 and a little bit of this Marine Statute Bool, Vol 85 (now out of print) are valid with the following amendments which are here by incorporated by His Majesty’s Royal Cree.

Sub.Section P : For “Dam all read Pants” shall be worn by both sexes.

Para the one after: Superceeded i.e. Trusses, bed socks, goon skins re not, permissible.

Reg. 9 iv line 9 : For W.A.A.A.F.S. read “R.A.A.F.S.” for “Furbileaus” read “Mae Wests” are optional.

Furthermore and in addition to the aforesaid, let it be well noted that this Marine Majesty takes the poor view that the wearing of a costume bathing (tout seul” (Free French) consitutes [sic] an awful insult to his near Royal Person (if not his girl friend).

Any MUG attending the Royal Court so attired will be charged under Section 40 of the Dog Act, dealt with (and how). Moreover, should any offender or offenders crawl in or attempt to crawl in without detection, they will be removed by H.M. Chief orturer[sic] and meeted[sic] out swift justice.

BY THEIR MAJESTIES ROYAL DECREE (Hereafter known as Amendments to the Indecency Act)
Clerk of the Court, A.F.O., C.G.I., C.F.I., N.B.G.

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[underlined] P/O STRONG: [/underlined] Is hereby charged under Section 40 of the Dog Act with:-
1. While on the high sea resorting to the use of foul words not fit for the ears of Sailor Men.
2. Is charged with lagrantly[flagrantly] Flaunting a Facial Fungoid growth and Frequently Fumigating it and his fellows with a Foul and oetid [Foetid] Free French Briar.
3. Warbling woefully on a woe begone wooden Whistle “Wouldn’T[sic] it”

P/O Strong is found Guilty on all counts:-
To be forcibly taken to the Court Surgeon who will do his damdest[sic] to chastise his foul mouth with the many wondrous washes at his disposal. He will then be cast to the Torturors who will render this disgusting body to a state of complete Subjection, so that his Fellow Flurs may in future be free from the filthy foul Fumes frequetly[sic] freed from his free French Funnel.

[underlined] P/O KELLY. [/underlined] 1. Being unlike that very worthy name-sake (NED) who through his total disregard for Sleep, Sloth, and Silence, gained for himself a name second to none in Australian History:-

2. Endeavouring to Emulate that elegant bird the Emu by encouraging an elongation of the Eiderdown on the Epidermis (in other words growing a mow)

P/O Kelly to be turned over to the tender Mercies of the Torturors’ side-kick, who will give him such a rude awakening that he will for ever scorn sleep and become more NED like – then to the Court Barber for Shampoo and Shave.

[underlined] P/O RAMSAY. [/underlined] Charged under the Pure Foods Act 1066 of –
Nauseatingly gnawing neurotically – never nibbling nervously – new, numerous and nourishing nautical entrees.

[underlined] SENTENCE: [/underlined] To be forcibly fed with Dr. Gastemis fat, flesh, skin and Hair Remover, and his skeleton to be passed to the Torturer for suitable treatment.

[underlined] SUB/LT. HOUSTON [/underlined] Charged with conduct to the prejudice of good order and Marine Discipline in that whilst in the Port of New Plymouth he did in the dead of night stealthily sneak silently stationwards[sic], scorning seductive socialites of this Southern Sanctuary, and wending his wanton way Wellingtonwards[sic] where written words will not permit the whole of his woeful and wily wooing of winsome Winnie to be repeated.

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SENTENCE: On bended knee
Before His Majesty
He must confess his Doings
And then we’ll know
As Time will show
Why he came back in RUINS.

[underlined] SUB.LT. LUCY: [/underlined] Charged with aspiring to drive the schooner Umgeni to the Common danger and for declaring that Magnetic North to be Antipodes of True North.

SENTENCE: To repeat the words within the hearing of all
“Lucy Lucy Gander
Where did I wander
Round the Pole
Up the Pole
Wondering where I’d land her.
Then to Navigate himself to the Torture Chamber for the usual brutal Treatment.

[underlined] SGT. BUSBY: [/underlined] Charged with having deprived the Court Barber of his right to Temporarily Toy with and totally terminate his tangled tresses.

SENTENCE: To be shampood [sic] by the Court Barber, singed by the Torturer and scourged by AIR Schicklegunner.

[underlined] SGT. DEVINE: [/underlined] Charged with Mutilating, maltreating and maliciously murdering that melodious Memory of that Miracle Machine (The Flying Mangle).

SENTENCE: Be dragged to the Torture Chamber where he will undergo & course of Dr. Gastem’s Memory Reviver, and then with mouth filled with Gastems Lousy Lung Tonic, sing the verse he forgot.

[underlined] SGT. GOODING: [/underlined] Charged with Knot Knowing Know-how a Morse from a mouse and declaring it to be a moulting mouse.

SENTENCE: Crawl on all fours in a Morse like fashion into the Tortures Trap (Ack R) and his chastened soul emerges to sing “Three Blind Mice” (In Morse).

[underlined] SGT. MONDAY[?]: [/underlined] Charged with – While at 4 E.D. putting foward[sic] a Cock and Bull Story about a Dog Medal, knowing full well he endangered himself to paying for same at a cost of 21 beers, and without due regard for the thirst of his boozing cobbers.[?]

SENTENCE: To be led like a dog to the stocks, where his conduct will be in keeping with the habits of that sagacious creature – preferanly[sic] POODLE.

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[indecipherable rank] [underlined] MITCHELL: [/underlined]
Charged with having neglected to study the science of Ship Recognition, mistaking a Chinese Junk for a Japanese Aircraft Carrier.

SENTENCE: To be handed over to the Bears who will give him an opportunity of getting a good idea of what it feels like to be a Submarine.

[underlined] SGT. EDWARDS: [/underlined] Charged with [underlined] SIN [/underlined]copating the heart (fortissimo) of Flossie Fewclothes - Palmerston’s Fairest Female (Pianissimo)

SENTENCE: With Spring in the Air he will swing in the Air and do a couple of loops.
For Neptune we know this pianist will throw
In the drink and thereby amuse all the troops.

[underlined] SGT. MORGAN: [/underlined] Charged under the Widows and Orphans Act (1818) with – while on the high seas having deserted his “Housewife” leaving her unprotected from the dangers she may encounter in a foreign land.

SENTENCE: Place himself in the gentle care of Air Schickle gunner and Ivan theTerrible who will give him a 1st Class idea of what it’s like not to be deserted.

[underlined] SGT. PASK: [/underlined] Charged with while at Wellington he did wilfully and with lust aforethought absent himself from the ARK OMGENI[?] for the express purpose of consorting with a lady willing to have her morals reduced to his own low standard.

SENTENCE: Handed over to the Court Surgeon for a soul purge and hoisted to the high moral standard of Air Schickle gunner.

[underlined] P/O McPHARLIN:[/underlined] Charged with, while at the St. George Hotel, Wellington, indulging in such heinous, horrible and hectic hilarity that this honoured and erstwhile sedate hostelry has now become known as “St. George and the Dragon”

SENTENCE: Crawl in a Dragon like manner to the Torture Chamber where Ivan will drag some of the vice from his scaly hide.

[underlined] S/S BUCHANAN: [/underlined] Charged with, whle[sic] at Rotorua pleasure resport of North Island N.Z. wilfully, and knowing it to be incorrect, did falsely declare to the local press representative that she was [underlined] Mister [/underlined] J. Buchanan. As this is a most misleading statement, a damned dim view must be taken by the Court.

[underlined] SENTENCE: [/underlined] To the Court Barber for a Shampoo and a sample his latest most girlish hair-do.

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[underlined] SGT. PYVIS:[?] [/UNDERLINED]
Charged with occupying too much deck space with his ruddy great “plates of meat” while standing, and causing too much wind resistance with same while lying down.

[underlined] SENTENCE: [/underlined] To undergo Dr. Gastem’s guaranteed gory foot rot treatment.

[underlined] SGT. ROSE: [/underlined]
Charged under Consorting Act of 1945 with “Laughing and Joking to keep up his smoking thus botting a few tons of fags. This habit tough swift is the outcome of thrift, and will reduce some poor cove down to rags.

SENTENCE: To endeavour to bot a cigarette from Air Schickle – gunner – one of his famous Choice Swastika smoke floats, and smoke same in the presence of the Torturers.

[underlined] SGT. WALKER: [/underlined] Charged with being dissatisfied with being a worker and attempting to become a skater.

SENTENCE: While being shampood[sic] by Gullet Raiza-Blaid, to whilstle the “Skaters’ Waltse”.

[underlined] [rank indecipherable] BEUTEL: [/underlined] Charged with succumbing to the seductive charms of Delilah, and allowing himself to be deprived of all visible signs of manhood.

SENTENCE: To convince the Court that his lapse was only Temporary, by applying to the Court Barber for a wig for his top lip.

[underlined] SGT. CAMPBELL: [/underlined] Charged under a Scottish Law “all copies of which were lost at the Battle of Bannokburn [sic] “ with, While Listening to the lilting lyrics of the “Campbells are Coming” did usurp the prowess of his forefathers as a caber thrower and descent to the lowly status of a Grecian Discus Thrower.

SENTENCE: To be graded to the Torture Chamber where he will be given ample opportunity to grovel in the ashes that he so wantonly threw, with the discus.

[underlined] SGT. JONES: [/underlined] Charged with on or about 17th July 1943, he did with Malice aforethought insist on playing his ukelele[sic] at the boat sailed on, and with continuing to have done this ever since.

SENTENCE: That he he [be] ‘Leled [sic] on the rack and his stern strummed by Ivan the Terrible, to the tune of “Boomps-a-Daisy’.

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[underlined] T. KEILIH: [?] [/underlined] Charged with aiding and abetting the previous vile malefactor by croaking like a bull frog with the resonance of Paul Robeson.

SENTENCE: To have his Tonsils torn by the Terrible Torturer until such time that he has really something to croon for.

[underlined] T. [name indecipherable]: Charged under section X11 of the Marine Safety Act in that he did wilfully and with malice aforethought neglect to prevent a Medicine Ball from entering the Pacific Ocean, thus[?] causing his Pis catorial Majesty’s Domain to become littered with flotsam and jetsam.
SENTENCE: He will be taken to Dr. Gastem’s and have another good Medicine Ball rammed down his throat.

[underlined] SGT. T. ARLINGTON:[?] [/underlined] Charged with indecent behaviour, and appearing before the clean of mind improperly dressed for the express purpose of executing an immoral, suggestive and highly porno-body waggle.

SENTENCE: To Waltze Matilda through a cordon of Air Schickle gunners Gestapo on his way to the Torture Chamber, where he will get something to waggle for.

[underlined] SGT. SIMON: [/underlined] Charged with simplicity and pie pinching, supported by the following evidence (entirely heresay) [sic]
Simple Simon met a pie-man
On his way to Frankton
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
I only swiped one – Dinky Die.

SENTENCE: To be purged by Dr. Geshem and searched for Pies by the Gestapo.

[underlined] [name indecipherable] [/underlined] Charged with conduct to the prejudice of Casonova [sic] and Don Juan in that, at Rotorua – well he knows the rest.

SENTENCE: He will Dance a Maori Haka and greet Her Majesty Amphritite [?] with the Horgi.

[underlined] [name indecipherable] [/underlined] charged with contravening the Pawnbrokers and Money Lenders Act 1943 in that he did not display three brass balls as required while practising his much needed profession.

SENTENCE: He will be taken by Air Schickle gunner, who will take an interest in his rate of interest (if any). He will

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be considerately introduced by the Gestapo to Ivan the Terrible who will extract from him howls for Mercy without interest.

[underlined] [rank indecipherable] Cashman: [/underlined] Charged with defiling the beautiful, and persuading a Virgin “when on the verge” to surrender to his foul and hunched embrace.

SENTENCE: He will be taken before Ivan the Terrible whose Side Kick will endeavour to convince him that although he has a hump, he is not necessarily a camel, and by way of reparation to Esmeralda for the wrong he has done her will sing a verse of “She was Poor but she was Honest”.

[underlined] SGT. QUIRKE: [/underlined] charged with forsaking her Amateur Status to take up the more profitable one of professional .. .. .. .. .. [gold digging)

SENTENCE: By confessing her folly to Amphritite, who will in a motherly way explain to this simple misguided girl that its not a sin if you struggle (soul balm from Kings Cross).

[underlined] SGT. McSTAY: [/underlined] Charged with having sold his coat for a mess of pottage (or beer) while circumventing Mount Egmont.
SENTENCE: After being measured for a New Coat by the Torturers will sing his song of optimism “It’ll be coming round the Mountain when it comes”.

[underlined] SGT. Mc [indecipherable name] [/underlined] Charged with failing to “head em” while at O.T.U. and not realising that £40 from £25 does not leave any change.

SENTENCE: Will be belaboured by Air Schicklegunner and thrown to the mercy of Ivan the Terrible and his cobber, who will teach him a new kind og [of] Two-Up.

[underlined] SGT. MARTIN: [/underlined] (A.C.11) Charged with injuring the tender susceptibilities of the gentle Aussie with his foul reference to the ball and chain and heinous references to the sweet demure virtuous damsels of Kings Cross, Montague Road, Roe St., Little Lonsdale St. etc.

SENTENCE: To be moved as forcibly as possible by the Swastika Boys into the presence of Ivan the Terrible who will in his usual tactful manner explain to this odious Pommy that it is noted that History has agin [sic] repeated itself by his presence in Atssio, [?] and that he may consider himself fortunate that scrap iron is too valuable a commodity to waste in making a ball and chain for a slander like him.

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“Court of their Majesties Neptunus Wrecks Amphitrite and Rexona,” IBCC Digital Archive, accessed April 16, 2024,

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